


Doods Look Like Ladies

by Volitan



Series: Memoirs From Mordhaus [2]
Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen, Overkloked Accents, Slightly Genderbent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-03-29 23:23:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13937643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volitan/pseuds/Volitan
Summary: The band members were setting up some sort of ritual in the centre of the great hall.  Murderface was walking in a circle, using a little wooden scoop to remove large salt crystals from a glass jar and carefully sprinkle them on the floor.  Pickles was lighting a selection of tealight candles, complaining as he repeatedly managed to catch his finger ends on the little flames."Seriously, is this ritual translated right?" Nathan asked as he entered the room."Finland roadies says shoulds be good." Skwisgaar chipped in."Da internet saids we gots it's right." Toki supplied."Yeah, but the internet is full of bullshit and porn..." Nathan commented, setting up an enormous leather-bound tome on a stand, pinning the translation next to it.





	1. Teaser Video

**Author's Note:**

> I am an amateur author of false name,  
> I borrow worlds of another’s fame.  
> I stake no claim on recognised locations,  
> Neither do I own canon situations.  
> I merely come here to spend a while,  
> Reading other’s work; writing my own style.  
> I earn no money, no wage, no dosh.  
> I gain no finance, no revenue, no cash.  
> I do not mean to step on legal toes,  
> I mean no infringement, I’m friend not foe.  
> So please, do come in, relax, unwind.  
> I hope in my work, enjoyment you will find.

The promo video for the concert was being filmed on the latest DethPhone model, admittedly this one particular handset had received some major upgrades to its built-in camera from the tech team. Ameteur filming, but still in high-definition.

The band members were setting up some sort of ritual in the centre of the great hall. Murderface was walking in a circle, using a little wooden scoop to remove large salt crystals from a glass jar and carefully sprinkle them on the floor. Pickles was lighting a selection of tealight candles, complaining as he repeatedly managed to catch his finger ends on the little flames.

"Seriously, is this ritual translated right?" Nathan asked as he entered the room.

"Roadies exiled from Finland says shoulds be good." Skwisgaar chipped in.

"Da internet saids we gots it's right." Toki supplied.

"Yeah, but the internet is full of bullshit and porn..." Nathan commented, setting up an enormous leather-bound tome on a stand, pinning the translation next to it.

"You wants da shows to be most brutals evers; Gears nots spends weeks workings on da translated for no reasons!" Skwisgaar complained, arms folded over his chest and staring menacingly.

"They died to gets us dat translated." Toki pointed out.

"Really? That's awesome." Nathan said.

"Right everyone, schircle ish nearly done, getsh your asches in heresh scho I can chloshe it." Murderface grumbled.

"Ok, so now whet dah we do, doods?" Pickles asked, reading the paper supplied with the instructions, "Hey, weren't those lyrics frahm a track ahn tha first album?"

"Similar, huh I hadn't noticed, that's probably why the first tour was so bloodthirsty... Brutal." Nathan replied.

As one, the band chanted through the ritual, and as the last words were spoken, they turned to look at each other.

 

"Did eht werk?" Pickles whispered, eyes screwed closed.

"I thinkings not'ings happen." Toki breathed back, peering around at everyone else.

"Somet'ing smells..." Skwisgaar chipped in, wrinkling his nose.

"Sorry, lunch isn't sitting well with me." Nathan grumbled, rubbing his belly and loudly passing gas.

"Not whats I meaning..." Skwisgaar tried to say, covering his nose with long fingers, he was cut off by the drummer.

"Eww dood! Thet's _worse_ than Murderface!" Pickles began to choke.

"I'd be proud of thatsh." The bassist chuckled.

"So the ritual was a dud?" Pickles asked.

"Pfft, I thinkings so." Skwisgaar said, "Stupid spells."

 

Suddenly the candles all extinguished in a gust of wind, a blinding light filled the room. The DethPhone was knocked from its perch to only view a puddle of blonde hair tangled with blue-black tresses on the stone floor...

...At that point, Abigail, Layla and six gears rushed in (someone making a point to right the camera, a finger accidentally over the lens in the process).

"Erm... Hi ladies, I'm terribly sorry about this - now if you will sign the appropriate paperwork, we can get you home. You'll have to return the clothes the band loaned you, but I'm sure we can find you something else to wear." Layla began, reaching into her ever-present bag for the waivers given to all the groupies.

 

"We ams home!" Squeaked the youngest woman: a stunning, athletic brunette who was swimming in Toki's too large t-shirt and pants.

Another gear ran in, "Sires, Your Ladyship, Milady... We saw it on the security feed - some sort of ritual they were doing..."

"It's really the band?" Layla asked, turning to the Gear, the hooded head nodded.

"How many times do we have to explain that doing shit like _this_ voids your medical insurance!" Abigail grumbled under her breath.

 

"We have all turned intah women, and yeh bitching about insurance?!" Everyone looked at a petite woman with impressive red hair and really pretty eyes.

"Pickle?" The blonde said, coming around and sitting up. Willowy and stunningly beautiful, she tossed her blonde hair elegantly over one shoulder, smacking the baffled 'Toki' in the face with her tresses. "Pickle, ams you puts things in ours drinks agains?" Somewhere in the extra-long jeans her feet wiggled, the neck of the tank top barely concealed her chest, skull buckle perched at the apex of her legs.

"Skwisgaar? That you, dood? Dood-ette?"

"I thinks am me." 'Skwisgaar' replied rubbing her forehead, "Feels strange. Don't likes this trips."

"I didn't do anything!" 'Pickles' protested.

"Well who did?!" Said 'Nathan', an alto voice purring menacingly.

 

"Something smells wired." Abigail said.

"Sorry, lunch is sitting funny on my guts." The raven-haired woman apologised.

"No... Floral. Definitely flowers. Possibly strawberries too?" Abigail sniffed.

"I tries to say dats earlier!" 'Skwisgaar' complained.

"Oh, itsch probably the schalt. And the candles." Came from a voluptuous lady with a riot of curls framing her face.

"Flowers salts?" 'Toki' asked, blinking with perfectly practised innocent doe-eyes.

"Yesch, from the aschistant's bathroom. Geranium and lavender anti-stress salt and pink candles..."

"Why were _you_ in _my_ bathroom, Murderface?!" Layla cried.

"You used aromatherapy bath salts, and strawberry-scented tea-lights in a Dark Magic ritual?" Abigail asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Oh no! All dat goil stufs in da salts and candles makes us into goils?" 'Toki' asked, looking to the blonde for confirmation. 'Skwisgaar' shrugged, appearing rather dazed.

"Right. We need to find you clothes that fit and work out what we're going to do about tonight's show." Abigail said, Layla already tapping away on her DethPhone.

 

"I gots to pee..." 'Toki' whimpered, peaking down the waistband of her jeans, "Whats I goings to do wit dis? I nots got mine man-parts no mores!"

"Come on, take off your shoes and drop your pants before you trip on them, I'll explain going to the bathroom when you don't have a penis." Layla put her phone in her pocket and held her hand out to 'Toki'. The baggy jeans fell to the floor, tiny feet easily slipped from the large boots; leaving her standing in a too-large t-shirt, boxer shorts and socks. Together they went off to the closest female facilities.

"Okay, the costume department are waiting for us and having kittens because your concert dress isn't going to fit; may I recommend everyone also taking their shoes and pants off before heading down?" Abigail said. "I'll see who we have in the library who can put this right."

"Err... I'm not... you know... wearing anything... under my pants." 'Nathan' admitted, swimming in the XL male t-shirt.

"Well, that shirt should be more than large enough to cover your modesty..." Abigail said, watching as they stood and wiggled out of their boots and pants; trailing after each other in search of clothes and answers.

"Hey, nearly forghat my phone!" 'Pickles' said, dashing back in and collecting it from the perch on the wall, "cool, eht recorded!"

 

\-----

 

The video resumed in the costume department of Mordhaus, only 'Dethklok', Abigail and Layla present. The 'band' were huddled together in only too large t-shirts and socks.

"Okay, this is the best we can do at short notice, we've had to guess sizes. Can you all head into the changing rooms, please." Abigail said, pointing to the five rooms that had their names on the door. The women trudged in.

There was much shuffling and the rustling of fabric; followed by cursing (in multiple languages).

 

The blonde exited the cubicle, holding the men's shirt over her chest with one hand and dangling a non-wired bralet from the other wrist.

"Look, I knows hows to takes dis _offs_ someones wit one hand... But I not knowing hows to puts it _on_!" 'Skwisgaar' complained.

'Toki' cried out in success, dancing from the changing room, hair tied up sloppily, clad in plain black panties and actually wearing the bralet. "I dids it!"

"You can take a bra off with one hand?" 'Nathan' asked, poking her head out of the door, glossy black hair catching the light. 

'Skwisgaar' shrugged, walked over to 'Toki' and unceremoniously un-fastened the bralet one-handed; the brunette shrieked, scrambling to make sure her breasts were covered. Turning, she began to scream an assortment of Norwegian insults at the 'Swede', the scars littering her back on full display to the camera.

"Skwisgaar! That was uncalled for!" Layla said, ushering 'Toki' back into the changing room. However, the microphone did pick up the whispered 'you did have it on inside out'

"You seriously need to teach me that." 'Nathan' said, allowing Abigail into the cubicle to help with dressing.

 

"Doesh thish make me looksh fat?" 'Murderface' asked from behind the door of he fitting room.

"You look lovely, really curvy." Layla said, she had ended up going door-to-door, helping the 'band' into their underthings and clothes.

"Thatsh just a nice way to schay fat!"

"Seriously, you have a gorgeous figure!" the assistant reassured.

 

"I don't think I can play drums in ah skirt... Ahm gonna flash somebody! I don't think ehts possible to yew know... _side-saddle_ my kit." 'Pickles' grouched, exiting the changing room fully dressed. The clothing available consisted of ladies official Dethklok merchandise tee-shirts and rather skimpy skirts, plausibly groupie cast-offs.

"We'll find you some leggings or something before tonight's show; we'll make sure none of you are... exposed." Layla reassured them all.

"Ams we evens stills doings da show?" 'Toki' asked, chewing her fingers nervously.

"Yes, contracts are in place - the venues that book you don't accept 'act of God' or 'act of ritual' as a reason to cancel." Layla said.

 

'Skwisgaar' looked at her hands, flexing her fingers and looking worried, "Dis am new hands... I needs mine guitar."

Carefully, Abigail handed over the precious Gibson, and everyone watched with baited breath as the blonde woman slipped the strap over her neck... The guitar was gently lowered, and came to rest closer to her knees, well below the usual reach. 'Toki' laughed, sticking out her tongue childishly.

"I needs a news strap." 'Skwisgaar' said.

"Just adjust it." 'Nathan' supplied.

"No, dood! That's like someone moving yeh car seat when yeh have it just how yeh like it!" 'Pickles' said, sagely.

"Hang on..." Layla said, digging around in one of the many drawers lining the room, tossing 'Skwisgaar', 'Toki' and 'Murderface' new guitar straps. After adjusting the buckle and a quick change-over, the blonde took a deep breath and began to play, scowling throughout.

"Okay, so we're not totally screwed." 'Nathan' said with a sigh, 'Skwisgaar' however, looked genuinely furious.

"I not knowings these fingers wells enoughs, was toos slow! Like snails!" She spat.

"Ooooh, dey yummy wit garlic butters! Can we has for dinners?" 'Toki' bounced on the balls of her feet, accepting the flying-v being handed to her, swapping the strap and starting to play.

"Hey, yer doing ok, Toki!" 'Pickles' said, giving a thumbs up.

"Toki ams dildos as usuals!" The blonde hissed, starting off a race between the pair, their eyes met as they squared off, fingers flying over the strings.

 

"Err.. what key are you in, I don't think I can get that low with this new girl-voice." 'Nathan' said, causing the duelling guitarists to immediately stop and pivot to stare; 'Murderface' looked ready to throttle somebody, hissing through the gap in her front teeth.

"Oh fahk... That's tha _entire_ set list screwed..." The red-head gasped.

"We'll be in the studio - how long have we got?" 'Nathan' asked Abigail.

"You have about eight hours until the concert starts." She replied.


	2. The Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ja, likes dat kid story: town mouses and country mouses, but wills be Dethklok and Ladyklok instead." Skwisgaar said softly, blissfully content as the comb passed through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am an amateur author of false name,  
> I borrow worlds of another’s fame.  
> I stake no claim on recognised locations,  
> Neither do I own canon situations.  
> I merely come here to spend a while,  
> Reading other’s work; writing my own style.  
> I earn no money, no wage, no dosh.  
> I gain no finance, no revenue, no cash.  
> I do not mean to step on legal toes,  
> I mean no infringement, I’m friend not foe.  
> So please, do come in, relax, unwind.  
> I hope in my work, enjoyment you will find.

Dethklok knew they had to keep the fans on their toes; they had to deliver performances and albums each more brutal, better, bigger than the last... But they could still have some fun with it. 

The band had put their collective heads together in the hot tub while toiling through the forums in the name of Market Research. Dripping wet with towels wrapped around their wrists they barged into Abigail and Layla's office.

"We know what we want to do." Nathan growled.

"Not drip all over the paperwork?" Abigail complained.

"Uh, sorry. Where can we get wet?" The vocalist said, looking to the rest of the band. At the prompt of Layla, a Klokateer dashed in with a stack of warm, fluffy towels.

"What brings you here, gentlemen?" Layla asked, digging a spare wide-toothed comb from her desk drawer at the pathetic pout Skwisgaar had on his face. He happily sat on her desk, almost purring as the Assistant stood and began to gently run it through his half-soaked, half dry tresses.

"Okay, do yew two know anything about tha cover bands? Eht was frahm before yer time." Pickles began.

"Yes, Charles did mention that in his handover - is there a problem?" Abigail asked, preparing to call in Charles to fight a possible plagiarism law suit. He insisted on still fighting their legal battles while running the Church of Black Klok.

"There wash a group of women, Ladyklok, the drummer had really pretty eyesh..." Murderface began.

"Ja, veries pretty eyes." Skwisgaar chipped in.

"Yes, I've seen footage - they're actually rather good... where are you going with this?" Layla chipped in, rolling her eyes as an email from their IT security team pinged on her computer.

"We wantings to havings a jokes wit da fans before da next concert. Pretendings we alls becomes goils; but havings dem beings da goils for us. I likes mine man-parts to stayings attached please." Toiki piped up.

"Yeah, that goes for all of us. Keep our junk where it is." Nathan agreed.

"So... You want the members of Ladyklok to change places with you?" Abigail asked for clarification.

"Ja, likes dat kid story: town mouses and country mouses, but wills be Dethklok and Ladyklok instead." Skwisgaar said softly, blissfully content as the comb passed through his hair.

"For how long do you want them to take your place? The fans will feel ripped-off if they pay for Dethklok and get Ladyklok." Abigail queried, starting to scribble notes.

"Just the opening piece, maybe the encore." Nathan rumbled, nods of agreement from everyone else.

"Okays, we goes back to da hot tubs now - you makings it happens, ja?" Toki said, leading the way back to the warm water and booze, tugging the lead guitarist along.

The two women looked at each other as the great oak door closed for a moment, deciding that this wasn't actually the stupidest thing that they'd been asked to arrange.

"I have to admit, it's funny... But it's going to be a pain in the arse to pull it off well." Layla chuckled, firing off several emails to various Klokateers.

"The next concert in the calendar sold out in seven minutes... The stadium will be absolutely packed, and we have to make this work, and work well... What do you think?"

Layla stared un-seeing at the wall in silence for several minutes, biting her bottom lip as she considered.

"First, we get hold of the women from Ladyklok to see if they actually want to take part... If they're up for it, we then negotiate pay, contract and a nice non-disclosure agreement... and if not we have to find a plan B."

"I'm pretty sure they already have _something_ in writing; they're one of the very few tribute acts that got the band seal of approval." Abigail muttered, digging through a filing cabinet and fishing out a file. "At least there are two months for us to get this set up. Did you know there's a whole branch of fans who will go absolutely ga-ga for this? They've got their own forums and everything! they call it 'gender-bending'."

"Where do you think the boys got the initial idea from? Murderface clicked the wrong link and it went downhill from there!" Layla laughed, forwarding the note from the IT security team who monitored the band's internet traffic.

"We need to stop them doing that, seriously, the fans come up with _worse_ ideas than the band!"

 

\-----

 

The plan appeared simple on paper, but would require a lot of effort. The five Ladyclok members had to be up-rooted from their lives and transported to Mordhaus for a period of four weeks in total secrecy. (Deathklok's legal team had smoothed things over so that the women wouldn't be fired from their jobs for taking a sudden leave of absence that they weren't allowed to explain).

Thank goodness Ladyklok were capable musicians, and were passionate fans themselves!

The women had readily agreed (in writing, signed in triplicate, initials at the appropriate places) to acting and voice coaching every single weekday morning of their month residence at Mordhaus to transform them into perfect female copies of the male artists - all for an eight minute teaser video.

After the acting lessons in the morning, they would join the band after they roused for brunch; afterwards shadowing them in practice to ensure that they could perfectly replicate the planned opening piece and a final encoure.

They would not be permitted to leave Mordhaus until after the concert.

It would be exhausting... but Ladyklok considered it entirely worth the effort.

 

\-----

 

The media knew _something_ was definitely happening at Mordhaus; The band's official FaceFriends account image was of a 'do not disturb' sign hanging on a hotel door; and there had been zero posts since. The front drawbridge had been retracted, the yardwolves and snipers snarled at the reporters.

The five women arrived in the middle of the day, and walked straight in through the side gate of Mordhaus - ignored by the press - dressed in the typical uniform of the Gears. Their luggage for a month had already been couriered in advance; and they carried only their personal essentials in borrowed Klokateer toolboxes.

"Good afternoon ladies, welcome to Mordhaus." Abigail met them at the door with a wide grin, "Thank you for being so accommodating."

"Accommodating? Is _that_ what it's called when the band you're a little bit obsessed with invite you to come _live with them for a month_ so that you can learn to copy their every move and sound?" Chuckled a lovely alto voice.

"When you put it like that..." Abigail laughed, "Please follow me, and we'll make the introductions." 

\-----

It was noon, Dethklok were surprisingly awake, mostly sober and nervously anticipating the arrival of their guests. 

Having been warned - _repeatedly_ \- to be respectful and polite towards the women who were key to their prank by Abigail and Layla, they were trying their best to come across positively.

"Ams da gift baskets toos much, does you t'inks? Is we tryings too hard?' Skwisgaar questioned, one eyebrow raised at the black basket full of goodies in his lap.

"Well, we asked for all the shit chicks like... bubble bath, candles, chocolate, flowers..." Nathan said, cut off by the rhythm guitarist

"Toki ams likings dose t'ings too! I nots a goil!"

"Yeaaaah... but yew don't smell ahf... 'powder pink' and other such crep." Pickles chuckled.

"Thoshe black rosesh and funeral lilliesh are pretty aweshome." Murderface piped up, pointing out the crystal vases that were nestled into the baskets.

"I t'ink dat da DedyBears wearing littles skirts, wit bows on da pointy tails are so greats!" Toki grinned.

"Oh, we has to havings a talks wit yous bear, tellings hims da proper etiquettes for beings ats an orgy, ja?" Skwisgaar teased.

"How dares yous! Mine bear nots a sluts!" Toki cried out in offence.

 

"Gentlemen, please can I introduce Ladyklok." Layla said as she opened the door, the female musicians filing in. They stood opposite the men they copied, who politely stood with their baskets. Everyone stared.

"Schomebody schay schomething, thish is getting wierd." Murderface mumbled, thrusting his basket at Ladyklok's bassist, the other woman accepting it with a puzzled expression; the rest followed suit; there were quiet murmurs of 'thanks'.

"How about we all sit down and get to know each other?" Abigail prompted; motioning to the re-arranged room with two couches facing each other.

"You sayings we nots allowed to does dat." the Swede mumbled under his breath.

"Okay, this silence is really annoying me now. Say who you are, what you do in the band and what you do when you're not in the band, and add something interesting about yourself - down the line now." snapped the bassist from the middle of the couch, still opposite Murderface.

"She'sh bosshy, they lishten to her... why don't you lishten to me?" William sulked.

"Sorry dood, did yew say sahmthing?" Pickles said, unsure as to why the male bassist was furious.


	3. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladyklok introduce themselves, and how they met each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am an amateur author of false name,  
> I borrow worlds of another’s fame.  
> I stake no claim on recognised locations,  
> Neither do I own canon situations.  
> I merely come here to spend a while,  
> Reading other’s work; writing my own style.  
> I earn no money, no wage, no dosh.  
> I gain no finance, no revenue, no cash.  
> I do not mean to step on legal toes,  
> I mean no infringement, I’m friend not foe.  
> So please, do come in, relax, unwind.  
> I hope in my work, enjoyment you will find.

"I thought we might be leaving the corporate bull at home!" whined the blonde woman, who was first to introduce herself at the far end; she received a dirty look from the bassist and capitulated with a sigh, "I'm Jen Price, I'm the lead guitarist in Ladyklok, and when I'm not playing guitar I'm an artist-cum-marketing-consultant.... and the blonde comes out of a bottle?  Is that interesting enough?"

Skwisgaar held out his hand to shake, "Your guitar ams arrived... I burns it.  Really craps fake!" 

"I can't afford a real one." Jen replied, eyes wide, "You wanna burn it?"

"I havings _alreadies_ burns it fors you."

"As in fire, smoke, little pile of ashes at the end?" she squeaked, horrified.

"Nots reallies... sorts of a puddles of plastic gloops rathers dan ash.  I not t'inking dat flames should be green when dey burnings somet'ing." the Swede sneered, "I gots spares, we gets you one, ja?  You keepings it afters."

"Yes please, and thank you very much." she said, eyes wide.

 

 

"I guess I'm next?" piped up the athletic brunette after a little nudge in the ribs from Jen.

" _Full_ name!" giggled the female drummer.

"Seconded!" laughed their bassist

"Nobody needs that..." muttered the Ladyklok rhythm guitarist, "And you didn't make Jen say all hers!"

"Because I need her to do my marketing material; preferably a successful set of posters, fliers and the like - pissing _her_ off isn't going to get me that... _you_ however, are absolutely fair game, Princess." the female bass player chuckled.

"Fine: I'm Olivia Harriet Meredith Ida Theresa Wingfield-Johanson." she said, rolling her eyes at the stunned expressions from the men.

"How does you evens remember alls dat?  Whys you gots so many names?" Toki asked, struggling to remember them all.

"I am named after my two Aunts and two Grandmothers, all who had passed away before I was born.  My parents couldn't decide between the names, and therefore used all of them - youngest woman's name at time of passing first... when my Mom died five years ago, I changed my name to add it in at the end.  Seemed like the right thing to do." Olivia said with a little sniff, Jen pulled her into a hug.

"So yous names ams beings a livings family crypt headstone?... dat ams awesomes!" Toki said, receiving nods of agreement from the rest of the band.

"Brutal idea for a song..." Nathan rumbled.

"Anyway, I'm Olivia, I'm the Girl-Toki in Ladyklok.  When I'm not playing guitar I'm a sports physiotherapist... my hair colour isn't out of a bottle?  Pretty sure my guitar won't meet your standards either."

"Pfffft!  Even Girl-Toki copies Girl-Skwisgaar!" the Swede sneered.

"Seriously, you want Olivia on your side here." The Ladyklok drummer said with a wide grin, "Three words: Deep.  Tissue.  Massage."

"Three words: Sign.  Me.  Up." Pickles replied.

"Mmmm... best thing ever after a couple of hours of drumming is having Ollie go at your shoulders!"  The female drummer moaned happily from the middle of the pack.

 

 

"Guess that's my go?  I'm Kite Dawson - before you ask, yes it is 'kite' like the things that fly.  I'm a dentist.  Actually, telling people I play the drums is my interesting ice-breaking fact, but you already know that... errr, I'm sure there are more interesting things about me, but right now I can't think of any...?"

"Yous am dentrist?" Skwisgaar clarified, squinting at Kite with interest.

"Hims clevers tooths ams beings bitch." Toki chipped in.

"Pardon?" Kyte asked, a bit confused.

"You know, the big ones at the back that don't turn up until you're older." Nathan translated.

"Oh! Third Molars - more commonly known as _Wisdom_ Teeth... hey, don't you have a personal dentist on the books?"

"He had a schmall... acshident." Murderface trailed off, looking just a little bit guilty.

"Oh, I guess I can have a look later for you, if you want?" Kite offered, to the relief of the rest of the male band. 

"We need to speak to security to get you some body armour, Kite." Nathan added, completely serious.

"Ja, because _I_ ams _so_ much likes Moiderface, I woulds accidentallies stabs da poirson who can _stops_ mine mouth hoirtings!" Skwisgaar replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You've been a bastard to hang around with; but what you're working on is reflecting all that toothache." Nathan added.

"Sorries, I gets much less sleeps because ofs its hoirts." the Swede apologised.

"Toki t'inkings you shoulds keeps da bad tooths - like Nat'an says, you playings gettings evens more goods wit it.  Maybe havings it stops you sleeps makes you more clevers at guitar!" The Norwegian chirped up.

"I nots be needing sores mouth for havings da insomnia - I gots _dat_ offs-and-ons for years, just means I nots _enjoys_ not havings sleeps!  And Tokis, Actually _practicings_ mine guitar makes me betters at it - you might nots be such dildos if you dids da sames!"

"I does practices!" Toki cried.

"Wait a minute! did you say  _Stabbed_?!" Kite squeaked.

"Moving on really, really quickly." Abigail chipped in, nodding at the Ladyklok vocalist.

 

 

"Hi, I'm Georgina Marchbanks - Georgie for short - I work in a bank, I like Metal, and I'm a dedicated member of the local amateur operatic society.  And while we're on a theme - I need to dye my hair too."

"Don't worry, the stylists are ready and waiting for you for a patch test." Layla reassured.

"Hey!  Don't pull faces like that, Georgie sounds amazing!" Olivia said, glaring.

"Seriously, when she sings in the shower, the neighbours open their windows to listen." Jen added.

"Opera?!  As in properly doing opera?  Like with the big ladies with horns on their heads?" Nathan exclaimed, not quite sure what he thought of that.  _Doomstar_ had been a Rock Opera - but it really wasn't the same level.

"We keepings tellings you dat da horns on da heads ams bullshits!" Toki yelled.

"Ja, Vikings use da horns for _drinkings_ - dildos opera peoples basicallies on stage wit two bear glasses on dems hat!"

"So like the hands-free beer hat with the long straw that I bought my Dad for when he goes fishing?  Awesome." Nathan rumbled.

"Pretty schure it is absholutely nothing like that..." Murderface considered, "I think one of thoshe schtupid hatsh would get in the way of thoshe battle axesh on a Viking raid."

"Nat'an, you gets a spare hats like whats for yous Dad?" Toki asked.

"Yeah, got one for me too... why?"

"I t'ink we testing Moiderface theory - you gets da hat, In gets mine axe, ja?  Might not needings Kite help ifs I knocks Skwisgaar's tooth outs for hims?"

"Fucks you!  I prefers da broadsword to da axe, needings more skill.  Any dildo can swings an axe." Skwisgaar sneered.

"I'll bring tha beer!" Pickles added.

"Boys... back in the room please." Abigail signed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

 

 

"Schave the besht for lasht!" Murderface said, gesturing for the female bassist to introduce herself.

"I'm Bree Sommerville.  I own an run a health and leisure complex.  I play bass, go near my instrument with anything even _remotely_ flammable and I will castrate you with a pair of rusty nail clippers - even if you're a woman.  I ended up being the closest thing Ladyklok have to a responsible adult.  I shoulder that mantle with much reluctance."

"Welcome to my world." Abigail muttered under her breath.

"We love Bree." Georgina said, throwing an arm around the older woman and hugging her.

 

 

"So... how did you all meet and end up forming Ladyklok?" Layla asked, not quite managing to join the dots, but knowing they were there.

"Do you want the long story or the short version?" Kite asked.

"Wowie, story time!" Toki cheered.

"Well, it all began when I caught my adulterous bastard husband screwing another woman in our bed.  I took he-who-we-do-not-name to the cleaners in the divorce courts..." Bree began, cut off by Skwisgaar.

"... you marries to da Voldemorts?" 

"Not with a nose as big as his I wasn't... anyway, I got my settlement and promptly booked a flight to Norway to go see my favourite band perform, of all things, a coffee jingle..."

"...We met each other for the first time sat next to each other on the plane - we had the same 'EXPLODE ME' t-shirt on. We drank cups of official Dethklok coffee and bitched about men and life..." Georgina continued.

"...We couldn't decide which name I should put on the pain waiver forms at the entrance - married name or pre-married name, so I filled in two.  Didn't even get a scratch..." Bree smirked.

"...Turns out we didn't live that far from each other, so we used to share a cab going to various gigs - which is where Kite _stumbled_ across us..." Georgina added, nudging the drummer.

"... I really didn't mean to trip up and fall smack into you!" Kite blushed.

"Okay, so that makes three - where did you pick up the guitarists?" Nathan asked.

"Well, with the money from the divorce, and selling the house I didn't really want to live in any more, I set up my dream business.  My own health and leisure establishment.  Gym, pool, spa, beauty treatments..." Bree picked up the tale.

"... She managed to convince me to set up a franchise dental practice in there, it's going really well..."

"... And the aging, empty industrial lot on the outskirts of town is leased from the _Wingfield Property Portfolio_ \- my Landlord is Olivia's Dad..."

"Daddy's amazing." the brunette woman smiled.

"He is... not actually thinking that they might be related, I hired myself a sports physio - who also does massage - to add another string to my bow.  And thus I found myself with an employee whose name doesn't fit on the paperwork; but she has magic hands, so is forgiven..."

Further down the couch, Jen shook with silent laughter, wiping a tear from her eye before adding in her bit of the story.

"We met at college and shared an apartment... when we graduated, for some random reason Ollie's Daddy decided that he _really_ wanted a fresco on the ceiling to the entrance to their office - so me being a starving artist, I accepted.  While I was laying on a board painting cherubs on his ceiling, I told his marketing team that the Wingfield Property Portfolio artwork was utter shit.  Thus began my little journey into freelance marketing..."

"... And when I added a little restaurant to the complex, guess who was recommended to me by my Landlord to paint a artwork on the wall because I don't have any windows in that unit?" 

"Was it Picasso?" Nathan asked, "That's the only artist I can name right now." 

"Pretty schure Picassho ish dead." Murderface mumbled. 

"Anyway... blaring out at full volume while Jen painted damn realistic picture window scenes onto the walls one evening was the _Deathwater_ album - more accurately, there is precisely ten seconds on loop over-and-over-and-over..." Bree ignored Nathan and Murderface. 

"... Look I love that album, but hearing just that little snip on repeat was driving me up the wall as I put my instruments into the autoclave; Georgie was waiting there for me so we could go to a gig, listening to it too..." 

"... I could not get the opening to the solo of _Mermurder_ down!  No matter what I tried, it sounded wrong!  I thought that listening on repeat might help; I still fuck it up even now..." Jen blushed. 

"Oh, gives to me halfs of ones hour and I shows you." Skwisgaar shrugged. 

"... I went to chew her out for making me go crazy, but Ollie is already there bitching at her - apparently she'd been obsessing about it for weeks!" Kite continued. 

"... Where were we?  Oh, we're all standing there watching paint dry and cussing at Jen, so we decided we'd just all go to that little dive of a gig and have a few drinks..." 

"...And the band playing were complete and utter crap!" Olivia sneered, "Admittedly, when two women snatch the guitars of two big, burley, tattooed men wearing corpse paint mid-song and make a point of _tuning them_  in front of the little crowd, it tends to damage their ego a teeny-weenie bit." 

"Jen made one of them _cry_.  I was so proud." Bree grinned, "Our Girls here proceeded to play the rest of their set list for them, no rehearsal with their drummer or singer - just straight in." 

"I approvings of dis actions." Skwisgaar nodded, Toki nodding too. 

"...Over the course of the evening we ended up also on the 'stage' to give the other guys a break - well, it was beer crates with a board on top of it, not much of a stage to be truthful... good times were had by all..." Kite laughed fondly at the memory. 

"... somewhere down the line we started playing Dethklok, and dying hair; but it was a gradual process." Georgina finished. 

"Ah think yew lahst me somewhere around flying tah Norway... but we're glad yew're a thing an' doing this fer us." Pickles said, his eyes crossed. 

"So... what do we do now?" Nathan asked, looking to Abigail. 

"How about we let Ladyklok freshen up and put their own clothes on, rather than Gear uniform?" 

"I really wanna get that solo learnt!" Jen squeaked. 

Suddenly a large growl filled the room - everyone looked to where Toki held his tummy as it protested being empty. 

"We shower, we change, then you can loan a guitar and pester Mr. Swigelf to your heart's content.  Deal?" Bree said, rolling her eyes as Jen nodded. 

"Schee!  They're all lishtening to what _their_ bassisht tellsh them!" 

"Sorries Moiderface, you says somet'ing?  I ams only hears mine stomach right now." Toki asked, baffled as to why William was suddenly chasing him around the room. 


	4. Of Teeth and Bears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the scenes of Dethklok and Ladyklok's first weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am an amateur author of false name,  
> I borrow worlds of another’s fame.  
> I stake no claim on recognised locations,  
> Neither do I own canon situations.  
> I merely come here to spend a while,  
> Reading other’s work; writing my own style.  
> I earn no money, no wage, no dosh.  
> I gain no finance, no revenue, no cash.  
> I do not mean to step on legal toes,  
> I mean no infringement, I’m friend not foe.  
> So please, do come in, relax, unwind.  
> I hope in my work, enjoyment you will find.

Ladyklok had been guests at Mordhaus for a week, and things were progressing well with their acting lessons and time spent shadowing the band: 

Jen could finally play the awkward ten seconds of a solo she had struggled with for years, and was the proud owner of tens-of-thousands of dollars of bonafide spare Gibson Explorer. 

Olivia and Toki found that they both enjoyed swimming a few miles in the pool before breakfast each day; and were considering where they could possibly set up a triathlon course on the grounds where the haunting press with their long-lenses wouldn't be able to see. 

Georgina was trying to teach Nathan the joys of opera, and _Nessum Dorma_ sounded particularly odd in the front man's signature growl. 

Murderface and Bree were delighting in pulling pranks and not doing any bass work at all.

Kite had zero free time because was up to her eyes in musicians and Klokateers who hadn't seen a dentist since the previous one was stabbed; and she felt a duty of care to take a look at everyone who approached her. (The Gear dental plan was actually rather good, Kite was glad to see such comprehensive provision).

 

However, Kite had one last dental hurdle: Skwisgaar's wisdom tooth was impacted and causing problems; she had determined that it needed to be extracted, and the infection it had caused needed to be treated. Unfortunately, Skwisgaar's allergies extended to some types of antibiotics and anaesthesia - so what should have been a straight forward dental procedure required a team of Mordhaus's senior doctors and a couple of experts parachuted in (literally) to support. It wasn't how she had planned to spend her first Friday night at Mordhaus.

Mercifully, all went to plan. Skwisgaar was recovering with Kite keeping a watchful eye while everyone else in Dethklok and Ladyklok enjoyed the weekend.

 

~~~~~

 

Toki came out of his shower after a run with Olivia late on Sunday morning to find that DedyBear had one GirlBear sitting on his face, two on either side of the toy face-down between its legs, a fourth was sitting on Dedy's tail... And a fifth seemed to be in charge, having been dressed in a tiny leather corset and holding a miniature whip; the problematic tooth strung around it's neck on a ribbon like a pendant on a necklace.

 

"SKKKKKKKWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSGGAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Toki roared, the exclamation bringing everyone to his room, the lead guitarist arriving last, a little wobbly.

 

Stifling a laugh, Jen immediately grabbed her phone and started filming from a safe distance.

 

"Whuts ams you yellings fors?" the blonde grumbled, his face swollen and bruised from the dental work; IV cannula still inserted into the back of his hand, and patient ID wristband still in place (he remained strictly under observation, just in the comfort of his own room). He still wore a Mordhaus Infirmary backless gown (as he didn't care if he drooled blood all over the dignity-thieving garment printed all over with the Gear logo).

 

"Dis. Dis ams nots funny no mores! Stops its!" Toki shouted into his face, pointing to his bed.

 

"Hahaha, dat goods. Nots me though. Dems teeth drugs makes me dizzy, dis ams most I havings walked ins two days. I stills not feelings mine face. Coulds walk into wall and nots feeling its." Skwisgaar slurred, completely honest, sitting heavily on Toki's small bed. "I said we needings to teaching yous bear good orgy etiquettes!"

 

"At least you're coming around a bit now." Abigail said, untangling the arrangement of bears. Toki snatched his up and cuddled it close.

 

"Dental meds are freaking ahweshame." Pickles grinned, "Kite won't let me have any."

 

"Because you have perfectly fine teeth, just in need of a scale and polish. No drugs required." Kite said, sitting next to her patient.

 

"Was the tail where I think it was? That's... Inspired. Idea for a song: fucked on the devil's tail." Nathan said, flicking on his dictaphone.

 

"Dood... With tha point ahn tha tail eht can only go one way... Like tha barb ahn a fish hook." Pickles said, considering the logistics hypothetically.

 

"If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise..." Olivia giggled, most of the room losing it and bursting out laughing.

 

"You ams all mean to mine bear!" Toki snapped.

 

"Where did the tiny corset come from?" Kite asked.

 

"It's one of my wrist cuffs from the stage costume." Nathan rumbled, picking it up and unlatching the buckles, inside were the initials N.E. embossed into the leather.

 

"And da littles cat o' nine tails?" Skwisgaar queried, picking up the tiny implement of torture for closer examination, smacking Kite's hand with it as she reached for him with a wad of paper hankies, "Gives to me dat! I can mops ups mine own droolings."

 

"Isn't that your bookmark, Murderface?" Layla chipped in, throwing another towel over the Norwegian as he continued to drip water.

 

"Yew read, dood? Thets aweshsme!" Pickles saluted with a bottle of beer.

 

Toki glared at the 'bookmark'; then looked at Bree and Murderface; then at the pile of GirlBears on the bed; then to a drooling, addled Skwisgaar; then back at the two smirking bassists. The cogs turned as the Norwegian put the pieces together.

 

"Skwisgaar, grab Toki." Pickles cried out, leaping across the bed to pin down one of the brunette man's legs.

 

"You maybe wantings to starts with da running away, ja?" Skwisgaar prompted, latching onto Toki's waist from where he sat to give them a head start.

 

"Only reasons I nots struggle is dat Skwisgaar has hurts mouth and I nots wants to makes hims worse!" Toki called out as the two bass players made a dash for the door, hands joined as they ran for a suitable hiding place. "Pickle, please be stoppings stroking mine leg hair, ams strange."

 

"Oops? Sharry?" Pickles muttered, letting go. Toki growled quietly, stalking away to find clothes and a few other essentials for revenge.

 

"Folks, that was our official responsible band adult right there, running away from the scene of the crime." Georgina laughed.

 

"And that's our rhythm guitarist stalking in the opposite direction to the one they ran with rubber gloves and a really big tube of super glue..." Nathan shrugged.

**Author's Note:**

> As this has multiple chapters (I have a few ideas for 'bloopers' and 'behind the scenes'); this gets its own pace in the 'Memoirs' series.


End file.
